Thursday, September 24, 2009

Former Prez GW Opens Cheer-leading Camp!

We've heard little from our former Prez GW since he left office to most peoples delight. But today GW announced the opening of his cheer-leading camp at his old digs in Crawford Texas!

GW and Laura moved closer to town recently---Dallas---and GW is chomping at the bit to do something in his retirement. He's finished his memoirs, My Pet Goat Vol. II. So, hearkening back to his 'happy daze' at Yale U. where he was an ace cheerleader, GW decided what he could do best for the country he loves is to open a non-denominational, open to all Cheer Leading Camp. GW himself will be the primary instructor and 'leader' of the 'cheerleaders for God, Country and Family Values'.

Crawford, TX seemed to be the best place for the camp since Cindy Sheehan has folded most of her tents there, is no longer throwing rocks at passing cars and moved on to and with the 'birthers' and is assisting them in their work against......well.....about any thing of intelligence........

In an exclusive interview with GW, he was definite and moving forward with his new agenda for 'ahmercah'........GW was giggly when he said a number of high profile figures from all walks of life have signed up for the two week camp. While most cheer-leading camps divide participants by age and gender, GW says his camp is divided by genre....religious, political, sports and entertainment and felons.

GW also commented on the costuming of his 'trainees', saying there was only one requisite: All cheerleaders would wear 3 inch healed cowboy boots. With few exceptions, the majority of the trainees 'are all very short people', he said. GW emphasized that all participants are encouraged to design their own outfits as he believes in independent thought and expression. "Shucks! That's why God gave us a brain.....to THINK, TO ESPRESSS about such things", GW gushed.

A partial list of those who have already signed up are Former VP Dick Cheney and his wife Lynne, Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh and his pharmacists, Barry Bonds and his pharmacists, old friend and supporter Ken Lay (upon his resurrection), Tom Cruise and two undisclosed alien Scientologists, Larry Craig, Sasha Baron Cohen, Carl Rove, Mark Foley, the Swift Boat crew, and many others ......

Cheney, who remained in D.C. after his administration left office for the purpose of being close to those who want him in jail, said it was time to mend fences with his former 'boss' after saying in his book that GW had gone 'soft' on him in the rear of their tenure in office. Cheney also commented that due to his recent surgeries he wasn't sure how long he could shake those pom poms. Cheney is leaving the costume design to wife Lynne, but said that she had decided to craft yellow crime scene tape into matching tutu's.

Sarah Palin said "I just had to participate, by gosh"......."I'll be able to 'cheerlead' right from my front porch in Wasilla ..... doing praises to God toward all those commies in the Soviet Union". Sarah's memoirs, GOING ROGUE, An American Life (no kidding, this IS the real title), a 400-page book of which Sarah wrote a page and a half, will be on the K-Mart book shelves this coming November 17. Better order yours now because the first hardcover edition will be limited to 1.5 million copies.

Rush Limbaugh could not be reached for comment, but one of his pharmacists said he was at the local truck scale being weighed and was looking forward to cheerleading school for the exercise. It was understood that Limbaugh would be bringing his pharmacists for obvious reasons, but the surprise is that Glenn Beck may be in his entourage to tell stories at the nightly campfire and possibly give Tom Cruise and Larry Craig some brush up acting lessons, especially in the 'tears' department.

Barry Bonds, who was not at the local truck scale being weighed, said he and his pharmacists will be 'playing it cool' at the camp........"........just doing some dooby Jesus stuff", he said.

To hear from Ken Lay we had to call Pat Robertson. As you know he and HE speak all the time and Pat then tells we lesser beings what HE said. Unfortunately, HE didn't have much information saying that Ken wasn't there. We don't know what to make of this information; but we expect Kenny will be a 'no-show' at the camp.

Tom Cruise says he is "ready to get going" with the rest of the stellar participants at the camp. After his recent box office flops, Tom is looking to re-package himself for a new generation. Of course Tom has not let go of his Scientology faith and he and two L. Ron Hubbard space cadets will be distributing books to other happy campers. Tom hopes to unite with Sarah Palin's holy roller roots for a 'good ol' time ' religious evening. With Katie working Broadway in the Big Apple and 3 year old daughter Surie modeling high heel shoes, Tom thought the timing of the camp was perfect. Tom also snickered, ...."you DO know that Larry Craig and Mark Foley will be there too......". Tom was given assurances that he would have a couch to jump on when he's happy.

Larry Craig's lawyers said "Larry is thrilled to be part of GW's Cheerleading Camp", adding he has some new foot moves (called the Under-the-Stall-Idaho-Sneakyfoot) for his cheerleading performance. Larry is encouraging both Tom Cruise and Mark Foley to join him in a 3-way routine.

Sasha Baron Cohen was brief in his statement saying he wasn't sure if he'd be Bruno or Borat at the festivities but will bring his pink Bruno suit with the pink penis just in case....... Sasha thought Larry, Tom and Mark might enjoy the diversion.

Carl Rove still is not sure he can be at the encampment, citing contractual commitments with the 'trash Obama campaigns' through the GOP 'family values' organizations and 'promise keepers'. We'll keep you updated.

Since Mark Foley left office he has undergone alcohol rehab and anti-homosexual therapy with Jim Baker and has landed himself a new job as a radio talk show host in Florida. When we met with Mark he was in top spirit and looked great with his new page-boy hairdo. Mark says, "The past is the past" and "I'm looking forward to going on a head with things as God meant them to be". One of those things will be as a cheerleading trainee at GW's camp. Mark is enthusiastic about the possibility of a 3-way performance with Tom Cruise and old friend Larry Craig, saying, "I'm up for it".

There has been a snag in the Swift Boat crew's participation at the Camp. Through spokesman Joe Wilson, with Joe the plumber at his side, Wilson issued a blunt statement saying, "the Swift Boat crew will not be participating in GW's forthcoming cheerleading camp because they have not been paid for their dirty work in their ads dating back to the 2004 presidential election". Holding pictures of GW, Cheney, and Rove, Wilson said, "YOU LIE".

As the camp gets underway, we will be updating you on the festivities and progress of the participants.

(UPDATE: There has been a change in the camp's first night menu. It seems Cindy Sheehan and her Crawford encampment people fished out all the brim and carp in the local lakes thwarting the plan to have a good ol' fish-fry......but, thinking quickly, GW made a run to the local PetMart, bought all the goldfish and saved the day. GW points out that a fried goldfish tastes almost as good as fried rattlesnake and just like a carp. Sarah Palin said she was prepared to shoot a few coyote for dinner, but GW pointed out that Cheney had thinned out the packs a couple years ago.)

BUT NEXT!

Are You Ready For It? Soon to come, GW'S CHEER-LEADING CAMP--THE MUSICAL!

Remember. You read it here first, folks.

John

No comments:

Post a Comment